Friday Jokes for all the golfers out there....

[Terra]

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes "says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" " Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five." A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[stores]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. "Send extra sauce."

[#3]

At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun from *****amas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[Terra]

:-)

[BoburUncle]

Mother in Law to Daughter in law: "Listen I don't mean to offend you but my grandson doesn't look like my son at all!!" Daughter in Law to Mother in Law: "Ma, sorry but I have a vag!na between my legs and not a photocopy machine"

[og]

1 day rooney cums into the united change room and sees all the united players sad and dejected. " What's wrong guys, why are you'll so sad" to which giggs responded " we know its an important game, but liverpool are so *****, week in and week out they play teribly, we just got no motivation" So rooney suggest that they all go down to the nearest pub and enjoy themselves, he will play them on his own. They soon agreed and were on their way on the team bus. They found a lovely bar and was having fun. 40 min into the game they decyded to check the score on the telly. The scoreboard read Manchester united 1-0 liverpool (Rooney 15th min) They all gt hapy, rooney ws doin it, so they continued to have fun and before they realised it, game was just over. Anxiously they checked the score Manchester united 1-1 Liverpool (Saurez 92nd min) Excited with the result, they jumped onto the team bus and rushed to the grounds. They were greeted by a sad and tearful rooney. " Guys I let you down....guys I let you down, I'm so sorry!!! " giggs replied " no rooney, you did great, you held liverpool until injury time, you were really awesome!!!" Rooney startd tearing repeating the same thing. This time giggs responded " ok rooney, how did you let us down?" A tearful rooney replied........ I got sent of in the 50th min!!.....LMAO