Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly. "I Iz a snail," Ali replied. The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" Ali replied. "Dat Iz Michelle."
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the Hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's' fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "SH!T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Epol at Spar and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Epol Diet again, although, I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Epol pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."